People I admire strive to become better as a partner, parent, child, friend, boss, coworker or human being. They are continually looking for ways to improve, whether for their relationships, or to create more effective habits for themselves.
I’ve noticed three ways these people improve themselves.
Identifying one’s “superpower” has become a hot topic. We are encouraged to identify where we excel. This is not always an easy task. Most of us are either oblivious to how we stand out, or at the other end of the continuum, think have more competence than we actually do.
Thus it’s a challenge to figure out our brilliance. It helps to ask a cross section of friends, peers and your boss or clients to see if a trend appears.
Have you ever been told you are difficult?
When I’ve labeled someone difficult, they have been some of these:
So imagine my surprise to be told by a colleague, Peter, that Jim, whom I rarely work with, felt I was difficult.
While I am not fond of feedback from a third-party because specifics are minimal, if any, I take any negative feedback seriously. I use such feedback to explore how much, if any, of the feedback could be truthful, and how I can correct any dysfunctional behaviors.
It left me wondering what “difficult” really means.
The morning was spectacular—a warm Gulf breeze brushed my cheeks. Waves scampered across the beach.
Meditating on the waves’ delicious sound, color and dance, I observed that even as they were approaching the shore, they were retreating.
A small berm lay between me and the surf. A few waves crossed the crest and scurried toward me. But most were spent before reaching the top.
I tried to discern which wave would make it over the top. At first, I thought I could tell by the size of the swell. Surely the largest would make it over. No.
Turning when I heard a loud crash, I thought, “That one will surely make it over.” No.
Then it hit me.
Many disagreements are caused by misunderstandings. These can be as simple as someone not accurately hearing what the other said. Or they can be misinterpreting the other’s actions in the worst possible way.
Two words can head off escalating the misunderstanding into a full-fledged argument, with loud voices, emphatic inflection, and accusatory words.
Instead of declaring inaccurate conclusions, condemning perceived motives, and mischaracterizing behaviors, try these two words instead.
These days we have to be careful about touching people, yet we still want to embrace others, to show them we care about them.
Try a verbal hug* instead.
Photo: Rebecca Morgan, Gualala, CA
You may have heard the term “microaggression”—a form of bullying defined as brief exchanges that send denigrating messages to individuals because of their group membership. I believe we can broaden the definition to any subtle bullying—eye-rolling after someone’s comment, verbal digs and zings, ignoring someone’s suggestions in a meeting, and other disparagements. These can happen even when both parties are part of the same group.
We’ve all received these kind of disrespectful behaviors. They are designed to dismiss us, to put us down, to signal we don’t have value. Some of us have even perpetrated these, perhaps when younger and not conscious of the effect they have on others.
Photo: From the Mermaid Academy, Boracay, Philippines
Odd. Different. Weird.
Have you been called one (or more) of these? If so, you’re far from alone.
This may be a key to your success.
What is a mini-mentor? Someone who advises you in one area of their expertise.
Cultivate many of them. Why?
Frivolous: unworthy of serious attention; trivial; of little value.
“And then he said…then she said…and then…and then…” and on and on. Have you been on the listening end of frivolous talk? You know it when you hear it, when someone prattles on and on about people you don’t know, will never meet, and don’t care about. Or when someone keeps talking and talking, saying little, perhaps even repeating themselves. A friend has a saying for this: “I’m just talking here — not saying anything.”
Have you found yourself spending time involved in — or listening to — more frivolous talk than you’d care to? I know I have. But I also had an experience that made me realize how much I contribute to frivolous talk.